Inkless

Whoever said love was a bitch, really got it spot on. If I could lived my life without it – and honestly, I would have. But it’s when it sneaks up, before you have any idea. And you find it, potent and life changing without thought. That’s what really sends you for a loop ….

Now – normally I can avoid it. By dating / whatever you want to call it with M.E.A.N.I.N.G.L.E.S.S people. All people that, in their right are incredible and a miraculous and should find worthy of pure happiness and whatever perfection life can find for them .So while I honestly only want the best for the all, I sadly know that isn’t me.

And while I know what if life held no restrictions, what would be best for me. Life isn’t that easy.  

I have someone – who is brilliant. Handsome, brilliant, funny, quick witted and basically everything I would want. They swept be off my feet in a week, that would have been right out of cheesiest dime store novel, if I read that type of thing. Anyone would honestly be lucky to have him. He is insanely prefect for anyone …. Except me., Did I mention first he lives all the way across the country, so I would have to leave everyone that means anything to me. And on top of that my family HATES HIM ….. and while it ‘s a long story. One that I know he has nothing to do with, at this point there is nothing I can do to change that . And while I LOV him ….. I’m not sure if I LOVE him.

He is a awesome guy, but still when I describe my prefect guy, the guy I would give up everything for —— he is not it. But when I’m being hinest the guys that I think would be me, the ones I really want – never want me. What’s that about??

And then there is option two. Which really isn’t  a option (seeing as they don’t want me) . But they server as more of a cautionary tale. While I really want them and have and have an insanely HUGE crush on them … they aren’t into me…. So, OK I get that, but are they serving  more as an example – that I should wait for something I truly want … or settle for what wants me.

Fuck love —- why are you such a bitch????

HOLLY SHIT —— FOR FUCK SAKE. Just learned a very valuable lesson, research something before you agree to do it. As we all know I am Austin bound this summer, which I am still a little shaky about, so add to that the fact that I agreed to drive down in order to have my car there, I now come to learn that Austin is 22 FUCKING HOURS away. How the hell did I miss that? Now the smart ass in you wants to ask, “has Austin gotten farther away since you last checked” and “do you make a habit of agreeing to things you have no knowledge of.” And the answer to both is a resounding…FUCK YOU! I don’t know what I was thinking….. other than, my hesitation in going is leading to my hesitation in making rash and uneducated decisions. What to do now, the only thing that can be done —- fuel up and hit the road I guess —- but still I ask, what the fuck was I thinking. So FYI if you going looking for me during the next few days, I’ll be……

On the road again
Goin’ places that I’ve never been.
Seein’ things that I may never see again
And I can’t wait to get on the road again.
On the road again -
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway
We’re the best of friends.
Insisting that the world keep turning our way
And our way
is on the road again.

As my date with Austin and TX gets closer and closer - the questions and the uncertainty about this little adventure become sizable. Though at this point there is no turning back, ships are ‘full speed ahead to Austin’. Now the question on my mind is how the hell do you make new friends in a city where you know no one??? I mean it’s not like I can ask the first person I see ‘if they want to share my lunch with me, my mom packed me an extra fruit cup.‘  so here’s the question I have - as an adult, how the hell do you meet people in strange city without coming off as creepy and semi-stalkerish????? Suggestions????

So I made it through this past weekend, but definitely not without it’s cost. I wish things were better - but I’m so guarded around those people there is no way I can be anywhere close to my real self, and since I have absolutely no plan on being who they want me to be - I’m left with this extremely awkward, out of place, intensely secretive, emotional bitch - who just wants to be as far away from them as possible before midnight when I turn back into myself. Good news is the weekend is over - and other than some minimal damage done to my overall ego - I think I’ll live!

Is Monday too early to call this week a total wash and just skip everything that comes along with it and just go directly to Sunday again ?!??

Friends Wedding Week =

Too Much Family + Too Many Gatherings = WEEK FROM HELL

thank-you TV gods, something to look forward to!

Ok let me start this by saying - I LOVE + LOVE + LOVE my best friends kids. They are the best. Cute - funny - and all round pretty damn amazing mini humans. And seeing as I can’t see kids anywhere in my future - they are the closest thing I have to kids of my own. That being said, I have no idea how my best friend does it. Seriously, how is she still functioning? I just spent one day with them, and I needed a 2 hour nap to semi-recoup. I always thought I could hang with the best of them, but after today I have to say  (as much as it pains me) she totally kicked my ass, I can’t hang. There isn’t enough caffeine in the world to help me keep up - I got my ass handed to me. I was taken out by a 1year old and a 4year old and shown that without question my best friend is by far stronger women then I will ever be. Oh well fuck it - off to refill my birth control prescription, have a couple of cocktails, and call it a day!

Well, it looks like I am Texas bound this summer and if I sound less than thrilled, it’s because I might be. As indecisive as I am, I haven’t quite figured out if this is a good thing or not. Texas is the LAST place I see myself or that I really want to be, but being unable to make a move of my choice on my own  the choice has been made somewhat made for me. Don’t get me wrong, Austin is a kick ass town, and way cooler than I will ever be, I’m just not sure Austin is me. But who knows, this might turn out to be a great thing - and all in all it can’t be worse than where I am now, so somewhat scared - uncertain - nervous and ambivalent about what’s in store Texas here I come. Show me what you got!

why am I not there??? next year!